


Red Head

by iselsis



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batman: A Death in the Family Fix-It, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Comedy, Crack, Gen, Jason Todd is Robin, Promises Don't Count if You Haven't Made Them Yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27912850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iselsis/pseuds/iselsis
Summary: Chasing the Joker takes a turn for theweirdwhen the sky is split by lightning and there's suddenly a guy in a crater between them.
Relationships: Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 69
Kudos: 492





	Red Head

**Author's Note:**

> This was an accident and I swear that I am working on the next chapter of Unholy Matrimony.

One second, they were fighting the Joker, and the next second, the sky was pitch black and split with the brightest strike of lightning Jason had ever seen. If it weren’t for the adaptive filters Bruce had built into the lenses of his mask, Jason would probably have been blinded for a few minutes. As it was, it took only a moment for the adaptors to compensate and then decompensate when the light disappeared, and he could see a shallow crater in the street between him and the Joker and the Joker, fifty feet away, stumbling and rubbing his eyes.

Bruce grabbed Jason’s shoulder and pushed Jason behind him with a squeeze on the shoulder that warned him to stay back. Jason wasn’t going to fight him, just this once. Even in the rush of the moment, his heart did this weird floppy thing of joy at being protected from harm by his kind of dad instead of getting harmed by his dad.

There was a mechanized groan from the middle of the crater followed by a shifting of pulverized asphalt, but Jason couldn’t see what it was because he was ~~short~~ of Lilliputian descent and Bruce was in the way. A robot? Did robots groan? Maybe that was just his autokill system coming online. Beating a killer robot was sure to either impress his dickwad predecessor, maybe enough to get him to stop bitching about Jason being Robin.

“I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THE ARTIFACTS _ALONE_ , DAMIAN!” the mechanical voice hollered with more emotional range than Jason would have expected from a robot. But then again, Jason’s only frame of reference was a couple sci-fi movies his dad had sneaked him into at the theater when he was little.

There was another groan and a figure sat up. Or maybe it was just really, _really_ short, but all Jason could see was a shiny red head above the crater walls. 

The red head rose even farther, and apparently there _was_ a body under it, a human looking body too. Not a robot, then, just a guy in a weird helmet. Probably a villain, since it was Gotham and the man had guns strapped to both thighs. Jason leaned behind Bruce’s caped body and peeked carefully around his arm. Not because he was _worried_ about those guns or anything, just because Bruce was more bulletproof by virtue of having pants.

Red Head looked around, his white-outed eyes falling on Batman. Rather than looking terrified since he was about to meet his _doom_ , he just sighed, the breath rattling through his voice modulator and his shoulders sagging in annoyance. 

“Are you kidding me?” Red Head grumbled, brushing dirt off his leather jacket like he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Who are you?” Bruce demanded, his voice a Threatening Batman Growl™.

Red Head was unfazed and raised a hand in a gesture half wave and half dismissal. “No one. I’ll be out of your pointy little ears as soon as they reverse the spell. It’ll only take them a minute.”

Bruce tensed and Jason snickered, peeking a little farther around B. The man didn’t seem to be that much of an active threat, and it was funny how he was managing to rile up the unshakeable Batman. Red Head seemed to notice him for the first time, leaning the same direction as Jason so he could see a little better around Batman. Bruce shifted to the side, blocking him, and that time Jason just thought it was kind of annoying because Jason was just trying to heed that extremely awkward and _insanely_ hypocritical PowerPoint Bruce had given him on the importance of making friends after he got sent home for fighting again. Not that it had been _Jason’s_ fault or anything. That _asshole_ had stolen a sixth grader’s assigned reading—fucking Pride and _Prejudice_ —and ripped it down its creased little spine. 

What goes around comes around.

“Which one is that?” Red Head asked, sounding annoyed. “Is that Robin Number 1 or 2? Whichever one it is, fucking put him in pants, asshole. No wonder everyone thinks you’re a pedophile.”

 _….Thanks_? Jason frowned. _He_ had thought that B was a pedophile when he’d first gotten picked up. He wasn’t exactly _proud_ that he’d chosen to go with him anyway—or what he’d been prepared to do for Bruce—but he’d been so _hungry_ , and he hadn’t thought that Bruce would let him say no. And then of course Bruce _wasn’t_ a pedophile and Jason hadn’t wanted to leave the warm, safe manor with its food and its Alfred and its _school_ and its shoulder touches and hair ruffles becoming gradually less awkward and more…fond…so when Bruce had finally agreed to let him be Robin, Jason had embraced it whole heartedly and never mentioned to Bruce that most of Gotham thought the panties were a fetish.

“I’m Robin Number 2!” Jason piped up.

Bruce cut him an annoyed glare, but Jason just flashed him his best I’m Annoying But I’m Short So You Love Me™ smile. Bruce was _not_ the only one who could intimidate people, Dick had taught him on one of the rare occasions he removed his head from his ass long enough to tolerate Jason. Bruce’s worst fear was his greatest weakness: feelings.

“Fucking hell, that-”

Whatever Red Head was going to say was cut off by wild cackling as the Joker finally recovered. Jason dodged to Bruce’s side, readying a birdarang, and B already had a batarang at the ready. Between them, Red Head just stared at Joker. Heh. Tourists. If he wasn’t from around Gotham, he was probably really intimidated by the Joker, but that was okay. Jason would protect him, maybe even give the Joker a couple broken ribs just for scaring the poor- 

_BANG! BANG! BANG!_

Red Head _SHOT_ the Joker three times in the face, blowing most of it _off_ , like a ~~boss~~ person who would be arrested _immediately_ after Jason had gotten his autograph. The Joker’s body fell, laughless at last, and Jason just _stared_ in shock as Red Head turned toward them. Bruce pushed Jason behind him again, but Jason just ducked out the other side. Bruce was so focused on Red Head that he didn’t even notice.

“What did you do?” Bruce growled. “What do you want?”

Red Head shrugged, stowing his gun back into its holster. The tension in B’s shoulder—the one that was always there with guns—loosened just a bit, but he was still as taut as though the Red Head was Alfred scolding him for not sleeping for seventy-two hours straight.

“I killed the worst mass murderer in Gotham’s history. You’re welcome. Saved your kid too, by the way,” Red Head announced, nodding to Jason and giving him away. “Congratulations, Robin Number Two. You will _not_ be beaten to death with a crowbar and blown up in a warehouse in Ethiopia.”

“Thanks?” Jason called back, not sure what that meant, but he supposed that he _was_ grateful to avoid that incredibly specific death.

Bruce glared at Jason and grabbed his arm. Jason gave a token struggle before resigning himself to Bruce’s post-shooting death paranoia and protectiveness that was blinding him from seeing that Red Head was _clearly_ a good guy.

“What do you mean, he won’t be killed?” Bruce snapped. “Are you threatening Robin?”

“Me? Threaten a Robin? Never.” Red Head snorted, then made a mechanical grating noise that sounded like a car being strangled. Jason was pretty sure it was some form of laughter. 

Bruce tightened his grip on Jason’s arm at the sarcasm, but Red Head waved him off. Bruce didn’t _listen_ , but Jason was reassured that Red Head wasn’t trying to kill him. 

“Oh, speaking of Robins and fucking up timelines, may as well be fair. Tim Drake is a little baby stalker right about now and he knows exactly who you are, and you also managed to knock up Talia al Ghul. If you go find your kid _right now_ , he might not be the hellspawn he is later. Just a heads up.”

Bruce made a half strangled noise, and Jason’s jaw dropped. _Bruce_ had slept with _the assassin lady_? And made an assassin _baby_? Did he know about _protection_? And who was Tim Drake? What did _either_ of them have to do with Robin? Robin was _Jason_ right now, and he would _be_ Robin until Bruce got tired of having an uncouth little alley brat around or until he _died_ , whichever came first. Jason didn’t like the idea of there being other Robins. Of Bruce forgetting about him or kicking him out.

The clouds above them started to roil and darken again and Red Head spared them a half glance. “Ah, speaking of those two assholes, looks like they figured it out. Seeya around, I guess. Y’know, because of the whole not dying thing. Or maybe I won’t. Hell, time is wei-”

Lightning reverse-cracked from the ground around Red Head, and when the compensators had stopped, Bruce and Jason were standing alone on an empty street a couple dozen yards from a dead clown. 

“So…” Jason started, not sure what bombshell he was going to latch onto. “Talia…”

Bruce slapped his face into his palm. “Get back to the Batmobile. I have…research to do.”

Jason laughed. Whoever Tim Drake was supposed to be, that was probably the other Robin Red Head had been talking about, but Bruce’s baby…well, he couldn’t be _that_ old. Probably not old enough to be a threat until Jason was at least eighteen, and by then he’d definitely be strong enough that Bruce would keep him around even if he wasn’t Robin anymore. Jason could be something else, like how Dick was Nightwing. Of course, Jason would make a better uniform than Dick had—and maybe he’d start early by insisting on pants—and he’d be a better super hero too. 

Bruce turned and aimed a grapple at a building in the direction of the alley where he’d parked the car. Jason laughed again, feeling relieved and tense at the same time, and pointed his own grapple at the building. 

“I always kind of wanted a little brother,” he said.

Bruce flinched and lowered his grapple just a hair, but when he looked down at Jason, there was the slightest smile on his lips. He ruffled Jason’s hair, then brought the grapple back up and fired. Jason fired and took off after him, wanting to show Bruce that he’d earned that affection. 

Baby Assassin was probably going to be fine. Sure, he’d probably _distract_ Bruce at home, since little kids are attention sponges, and the kid deserved to get time with his awesome dad, but he wouldn’t be coming on patrol with them, at least not until he was older. Tim might be a problem, but Jason had already had a bunch of training, and he’d had Bruce first. That had to count for something. Even if it _didn’t_ , he’d be way better than Tim could ever be, and he’d prove it too. If Tim Drake wanted to be Robin, he could pry it from Jason’s cold dead fingers. Bruce wouldn’t forget about Jason if Jason had anything to say about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Jason: *makes promise not to kill*  
> Jason: *sent back in time* LEEROY JENKINS


End file.
